1 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:08,260 Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:08,261 --> 00:00:11,022 Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:11,023 --> 00:00:13,782 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:13,783 --> 00:00:16,583 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times 5 00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:19,305 Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:19,306 --> 00:00:22,106 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:22,107 --> 00:00:24,785 Gory stories, we do that 8 00:00:24,789 --> 00:00:27,466 And your host, a talking rat 9 00:00:27,469 --> 00:00:31,627 The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 10 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:35,912 Horrible Histories! 11 00:00:40,315 --> 00:00:44,272 Us cavemen had lots of unusual traditions. 12 00:00:44,277 --> 00:00:47,634 You wouldn't believe some of them if you saw them today. 13 00:00:47,638 --> 00:00:50,598 - THUMP - Ow! Who did that? 14 00:01:00,324 --> 00:01:02,482 DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad. 15 00:01:02,485 --> 00:01:07,162 Deceased is a male, Stone Age cave-dweller, early 30s. 16 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:10,524 Cause of death, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven... 17 00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:13,006 17 arrows fired directly into the chest. 18 00:01:13,009 --> 00:01:14,529 Oh! 19 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:20,128 Oh, no, no, sorry. Sorry, that was us. We did that when we found him. 20 00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:23,410 You fired 17 arrows into the corpse of your loved one? 21 00:01:23,414 --> 00:01:25,852 It's just an old Stone Age mark of respect. 22 00:01:25,855 --> 00:01:27,773 OK, well, we'll ignore the arrows. 23 00:01:27,776 --> 00:01:30,654 Erm... Oh. 24 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:35,734 Probable cause of death is the victim having his head sliced open 25 00:01:35,740 --> 00:01:37,818 and his brains removed. 26 00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:40,378 Ooh... Oh, no, sorry. 27 00:01:40,382 --> 00:01:44,779 - Sorry, we did that too. - You sliced his head open and removed his brains? 28 00:01:44,784 --> 00:01:46,582 Just our little tribute. 29 00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,782 Another Stone Age ritual for the dead. 30 00:01:48,785 --> 00:01:52,982 Also present, a piece of raw, rotting meat. 31 00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:55,425 - Could be poisoned. - Sorry. 32 00:01:55,428 --> 00:01:57,026 We left that for him as well. 33 00:01:57,028 --> 00:02:00,386 It's to keep him going in the afterlife till he catches some food. 34 00:02:00,390 --> 00:02:03,867 Never mind the afterlife. I'm trying to work out what sent him there. 35 00:02:03,872 --> 00:02:05,591 Aha! 36 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:09,830 Traces of a suspect red powder. 37 00:02:09,835 --> 00:02:13,152 Yeah, that'd be make-up. Us again. Sorry. 38 00:02:13,156 --> 00:02:14,794 We wanted him to look his best. 39 00:02:14,796 --> 00:02:17,874 Well, he looks great with 17 arrows poking out of his chest 40 00:02:17,878 --> 00:02:20,956 - and half his head lopped off. - It's what he would've wanted. 41 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,557 - The dead dog was you as well? - We thought he might 42 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,239 get lonely in the afterlife. 43 00:02:25,241 --> 00:02:27,039 And, er, what's the big bear for? 44 00:02:27,042 --> 00:02:29,720 Oh, no, no, that wasn't us. That's what killed him. 45 00:02:29,723 --> 00:02:31,721 ROARING 46 00:02:31,724 --> 00:02:33,602 Ah. Cause of death was the big... 47 00:02:33,605 --> 00:02:35,205 big bear! Big bear! 48 00:02:37,807 --> 00:02:39,965 Big bear! 49 00:02:39,968 --> 00:02:42,766 Ha-ha! Do you know, it's true? 50 00:02:42,769 --> 00:02:47,086 Some cavemen did slice open dead people's heads to remove the brains. 51 00:02:47,091 --> 00:02:50,289 They may have even cooked and eaten them, too! Mmm. 52 00:02:50,293 --> 00:02:52,251 Here's a brain I prepared earlier. 53 00:02:52,253 --> 00:02:54,811 As you can see, it's from a PE teacher. 54 00:02:54,815 --> 00:02:56,335 He-he-he! 55 00:02:56,375 --> 00:02:59,093 Lots of what we know about Stone Age people 56 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:02,413 comes from what's been found in burial pits like that one, 57 00:03:02,417 --> 00:03:06,497 and also from prehistoric cave paintings. 58 00:03:12,782 --> 00:03:15,180 Hello and welcome to the Caveman Art Show. 59 00:03:15,183 --> 00:03:18,221 - I'm Ugg and this is Grunt. - Grunt. 60 00:03:18,224 --> 00:03:21,222 Today we're showing you how to paint like a caveman. 61 00:03:21,226 --> 00:03:23,824 Grunt's already made a start with his picture, 62 00:03:23,827 --> 00:03:26,704 Let's have a look and see how he's doing. Come on. 63 00:03:26,708 --> 00:03:30,266 - Grunt paint picture. - That's a lovely prehistoric picture, Grunt. 64 00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:32,708 - And who are these two fellows here? - Grunt. 65 00:03:32,711 --> 00:03:34,869 - That's you, is it? - Grung. 66 00:03:34,872 --> 00:03:36,190 That's Grung. 67 00:03:36,192 --> 00:03:38,830 - Dead. - Grung's dead. 68 00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:43,311 - And who's this chap here, being chased by the mammoth? - That Ugg. 69 00:03:43,316 --> 00:03:46,913 Ugh, ugh, scoff, scoff. Ugh, ugh, 70 00:03:46,917 --> 00:03:49,075 - ugh, ugh. - Excuse me, what? What? 71 00:03:49,078 --> 00:03:51,036 You know I'm sensitive about my weight. 72 00:03:51,038 --> 00:03:53,356 - Sorry. - There's a line. 73 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,438 I just got carried away. 74 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,118 I'm also going to show you an ancient caveman painting technique. 75 00:03:59,123 --> 00:04:01,883 For this, you're going to have to make your own paint. 76 00:04:04,205 --> 00:04:08,761 Now, what I like to use is iron minerals, like these. 77 00:04:08,766 --> 00:04:11,804 Now we take our minerals, put them into our pot... 78 00:04:11,808 --> 00:04:14,686 and you need to mix them with a certain kind of liquid. 79 00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:18,209 Personally, I think blood works best. Grunt, I need some blood. 80 00:04:19,211 --> 00:04:21,729 Don't be silly, I'm not going to use your blood. 81 00:04:21,733 --> 00:04:23,973 Just pass us the blood we've already got. 82 00:04:26,255 --> 00:04:30,372 Idiot. Now, I'm just going to pour some of this in the pot... 83 00:04:30,376 --> 00:04:34,013 and mix it together, to make a paint. 84 00:04:34,018 --> 00:04:36,576 Once you've done that, you'll need a bone. 85 00:04:36,579 --> 00:04:39,137 Grunt, I need a bone. 86 00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:40,698 The one we've already got. 87 00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:43,098 You thought I was going to hit you, didn't you? 88 00:04:43,102 --> 00:04:45,060 Well, I am. 89 00:04:45,062 --> 00:04:48,380 Once you've got your bone, you need to get all the marrow out 90 00:04:48,384 --> 00:04:51,621 from the inside, so it makes a hollow tube, like this. 91 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:55,103 Then you take your bone tube and stick it in your paint 92 00:04:55,107 --> 00:04:57,227 and you suck it up. 93 00:05:00,389 --> 00:05:02,907 HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS 94 00:05:02,910 --> 00:05:06,788 OK, carry on. Make sure you suck gently. 95 00:05:06,793 --> 00:05:09,910 You don't want the paint going into your mouth, do you, Grunt? 96 00:05:09,913 --> 00:05:12,191 No. Once you've got paint in your bone tube, 97 00:05:12,194 --> 00:05:16,431 go over to the wall and place your hand on the wall. 98 00:05:16,436 --> 00:05:19,274 Then you can blow the paint all over your hand. 99 00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:23,315 Then, when you take your hand away, it makes a lovely handprint, like so. 100 00:05:23,319 --> 00:05:25,357 Ha-ha! Grunt paint hand. 101 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,998 - Well done, Grunt. - Grunt do foot. 102 00:05:28,001 --> 00:05:30,119 I don't think you should do that, Grunt. 103 00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,400 No, I don't think that's a good idea. 104 00:05:32,403 --> 00:05:35,043 Urgh! Ugh, ugh. 105 00:05:37,446 --> 00:05:39,644 Oh, where's the...where's the door? 106 00:05:39,647 --> 00:05:41,327 See you all next week. 107 00:05:46,129 --> 00:05:50,086 During World War II, there could be spies anywhere. 108 00:05:50,091 --> 00:05:54,448 You had to watch what you said, and what you wrote. 109 00:05:54,453 --> 00:05:59,490 So, to pass on secret messages, the Army had to use secret codes. 110 00:05:59,495 --> 00:06:03,132 So my idea is, we write everything backwards, and so to the enemy 111 00:06:03,137 --> 00:06:05,175 it looks like complete gobbledegook. 112 00:06:05,177 --> 00:06:08,535 It's brilliant. For example, if we were to write the word "eye", 113 00:06:08,539 --> 00:06:11,737 we would do it backwards, like so. 114 00:06:11,741 --> 00:06:13,461 Eye. 115 00:06:14,702 --> 00:06:17,700 Oh. Bad example. 116 00:06:17,703 --> 00:06:21,260 If we were writing the word "madam", we'd do it backwards, like this. 117 00:06:21,265 --> 00:06:23,703 A, D, 118 00:06:23,706 --> 00:06:26,184 A, M. Ma... Oh. 119 00:06:26,187 --> 00:06:30,144 Erm, if we were writing the word "race car", then we'd spell it 120 00:06:30,148 --> 00:06:33,868 backwards, which would be... 121 00:06:35,391 --> 00:06:38,189 I think it's back to the drawing board with that one, 122 00:06:38,193 --> 00:06:41,830 - old bean. - Yes, perhaps you're right. I tell you, this secret code lark 123 00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,392 is a darn tricky business. 124 00:06:43,394 --> 00:06:45,912 Isn't it, just? 125 00:06:45,915 --> 00:06:49,193 - Well, thanks for nothing! - My word! 126 00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:53,194 Agent Saunders? We thought you were in that prison camp at Drancy. 127 00:06:53,199 --> 00:06:56,876 No, I escaped. No thanks to you idiots. 128 00:06:56,877 --> 00:06:58,561 - Steady on now, chap. - Steady on? 129 00:06:58,562 --> 00:07:02,359 I just crossed the whole of occupied France with no money and no map. 130 00:07:02,363 --> 00:07:04,161 Did you even get my letter? 131 00:07:04,164 --> 00:07:07,322 Some time ago. I'm afraid it didn't make a great deal of sense. 132 00:07:07,325 --> 00:07:10,482 Well, I used Sergeant Hall's code, just like you said. 133 00:07:10,486 --> 00:07:14,763 Escape planned, January 2nd, send map and money. 134 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:18,486 You just read every word after the punctuation, just like we discussed. 135 00:07:18,490 --> 00:07:22,527 - Ah, every word after the punctuation. - See, and we were reading every word 136 00:07:22,532 --> 00:07:23,930 BEFORE the punctuation. 137 00:07:23,932 --> 00:07:28,049 "Please prepare the old goat for wedding." 138 00:07:28,054 --> 00:07:31,252 - Why on earth would I say that? - Well, we were rather confused. 139 00:07:31,256 --> 00:07:32,534 As was the goat. 140 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,176 GOAT BLEATS 141 00:07:35,858 --> 00:07:39,975 So, it turns you're better at this secret code lark than we are. 142 00:07:39,979 --> 00:07:41,497 Would help us with this one? 143 00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:43,099 Ah, yes, now we got this letter 144 00:07:43,101 --> 00:07:45,379 from Agent Blenkinsopp three weeks ago. 145 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:47,980 We've been unable to work out which code he's using. 146 00:07:47,983 --> 00:07:51,700 Trapped in Paris, please send help. 147 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,743 Now, what is he trying to tell us? 148 00:07:53,746 --> 00:07:55,824 There's a message in there somewhere. 149 00:07:55,826 --> 00:07:57,384 Oh! 150 00:07:57,387 --> 00:07:59,865 I'm going for a bath. 151 00:07:59,868 --> 00:08:02,666 Do you actually think he's trapped in Paris, do you? 152 00:08:02,669 --> 00:08:03,949 Where's Paris? 153 00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:06,108 True or false? 154 00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:12,467 Spies in World War II sometimes used wee to write letters? It's... 155 00:08:12,474 --> 00:08:14,832 True! It worked like invisible ink. 156 00:08:14,835 --> 00:08:17,912 When the paper was heated, the wee writing became visible. 157 00:08:17,916 --> 00:08:20,874 Yes, British spies had lots of cunning devices 158 00:08:20,878 --> 00:08:25,438 and all the gadgets you're about to see really were used in World War II. 159 00:08:29,601 --> 00:08:31,959 Psst. Are you Agent Sophie? 160 00:08:31,962 --> 00:08:33,722 Yes, I am she. 161 00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:38,002 Agent Sophie, welcome to France. 162 00:08:38,005 --> 00:08:41,123 I am Claude, your contact in the Resistance. I understand you 163 00:08:41,126 --> 00:08:44,006 - have some instructions? - Yes, they're in my suitcase. 164 00:08:46,408 --> 00:08:49,126 - Here you go. - Er, wait a minute. 165 00:08:49,130 --> 00:08:51,608 You come all the way to German-occupied France 166 00:08:51,611 --> 00:08:53,689 to tell me to wash and to brush my teeth? 167 00:08:53,692 --> 00:08:55,450 No, of course not. 168 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,771 Although... 169 00:08:56,773 --> 00:09:00,450 The secret instructions are hidden inside the soap and the toothpaste. 170 00:09:00,455 --> 00:09:03,813 - They're written on silk. - Oh, this is very clever. 171 00:09:03,817 --> 00:09:07,094 If the Germans search your suitcase they won't find anything. 172 00:09:07,097 --> 00:09:09,055 - Ha-ha! Ingenious. - We thought so. 173 00:09:09,058 --> 00:09:12,416 So tell me, what do you have hidden inside these things? 174 00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:15,417 The hairbrush contains some spare money and the chess set 175 00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:18,219 has a map of France hidden in it - in case I lose my way. 176 00:09:18,222 --> 00:09:21,540 Amazing! You British secret agents have so many things 177 00:09:21,544 --> 00:09:24,421 hidden inside other things. It is wonderful. Oh, 178 00:09:24,425 --> 00:09:27,343 I see you also have brought some dinner and what's this? 179 00:09:27,346 --> 00:09:29,224 Ooh la la, a bottle of wine. 180 00:09:29,227 --> 00:09:31,185 Oh, no, no, no. Be careful with that. 181 00:09:31,188 --> 00:09:32,987 The bottle is actually a bomb. 182 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,667 Of course it is. 183 00:09:34,670 --> 00:09:37,188 I should have guessed. Next you'll be telling me 184 00:09:37,191 --> 00:09:40,268 that you have hidden a machine gun inside this fish. 185 00:09:40,272 --> 00:09:42,151 Yes. Is it that obvious? 186 00:09:42,154 --> 00:09:44,991 I'll have to tell the boffins in London to work on that. 187 00:09:44,994 --> 00:09:47,992 They are geniuses. They've even made mines that look 188 00:09:47,996 --> 00:09:50,514 - just like animal poo. - Aah... 189 00:09:50,517 --> 00:09:52,915 So you are telling me 190 00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:55,995 that this cowpat is actually a landmine? 191 00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:59,197 Ooh, it even smells like the real thing. 192 00:09:59,201 --> 00:10:01,999 No, no, no. That is an actual cowpat. 193 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,842 I didn't bring that with me. 194 00:10:05,884 --> 00:10:07,724 Will you pass me the soap, please? 195 00:10:19,810 --> 00:10:23,767 We Romans loved to watch gory gladiators. 196 00:10:23,771 --> 00:10:27,888 Some fought with a net and trident, some with a spear and a shield, 197 00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:29,851 others with two swords. 198 00:10:29,854 --> 00:10:32,972 And then there were the gladiators who fought with... 199 00:10:32,976 --> 00:10:36,413 ha-ha! Well, just watch this. 200 00:10:36,417 --> 00:10:39,135 I want you to go out there and wipe the floor with him. 201 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,336 You want me to wipe the floor with him? 202 00:10:41,339 --> 00:10:44,537 Not literally. That's going to take ages and look silly. 203 00:10:44,541 --> 00:10:46,659 But go out there and show him who's boss. 204 00:10:46,662 --> 00:10:50,899 - Show him who's boss? Right, I'm... - No, don't try and give him a job. 205 00:10:50,903 --> 00:10:54,820 - Go out there and give him a good licking. - You want me to lick him? 206 00:10:54,825 --> 00:10:57,663 - Go out there and kill him, you big lug! - Kill him! Yeah! 207 00:10:57,666 --> 00:11:00,384 - Yeah! Now, are you ready? - Yes. 208 00:11:00,388 --> 00:11:02,985 No, oi! No, no, no. Are you ready? 209 00:11:02,988 --> 00:11:04,707 Yeeeesss! 210 00:11:04,710 --> 00:11:06,508 There's your sword, your shield 211 00:11:06,510 --> 00:11:09,108 and there's your blindfold. Now, go and get him. 212 00:11:09,112 --> 00:11:11,510 Come on... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Blindfold? 213 00:11:11,513 --> 00:11:13,151 Well, you're an Andabatae now. 214 00:11:13,153 --> 00:11:15,831 That's a very special sort of gladiator. 215 00:11:15,835 --> 00:11:18,433 They fight with a sword, a shield and a blindfold. 216 00:11:18,436 --> 00:11:21,033 Can I not just have a sword and a shield and then... 217 00:11:21,036 --> 00:11:24,914 - That'd make you a Secutores. - I'd like to be one of those. - Problem is, 218 00:11:24,919 --> 00:11:29,236 they've already announced you as an Andabatae, so it's a bit awkward. 219 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,677 Your opponent's an Andabatae as well, he'll be wearing a blindfold. 220 00:11:32,681 --> 00:11:36,518 That's fair enough then. I'll cut him to pieces - if I can find him. 221 00:11:36,523 --> 00:11:40,561 - Ha-ha! - Ha-ha... Well, go on, then. Give him hell. 222 00:11:40,565 --> 00:11:42,843 Yeah! Come on, then! 223 00:11:42,846 --> 00:11:45,166 Wait, left a bit. There you go. Ooh. 224 00:11:46,888 --> 00:11:50,005 Left a bit. Left a bit. 225 00:11:50,006 --> 00:11:51,049 Little bit more. 226 00:11:51,050 --> 00:11:53,648 Get... Oh, not as far as... Oh... 227 00:11:53,651 --> 00:11:56,488 Oh! I do not want to see that. 228 00:11:56,492 --> 00:11:58,571 Anyone got a blindfold? 229 00:11:58,573 --> 00:12:01,210 That's 100% accu-rat. 230 00:12:01,214 --> 00:12:02,973 Andabatae were blindfolded 231 00:12:02,975 --> 00:12:07,212 and pushed towards each other by people with sticks. That's right... 232 00:12:07,217 --> 00:12:09,335 'Scuse me! 233 00:12:09,338 --> 00:12:13,255 ..until one of them managed to kill their opponent, wherever they were. 234 00:12:13,259 --> 00:12:16,579 The worst thing about it? It was winner stays on. 235 00:12:17,902 --> 00:12:21,822 Yeah. And there were even sillier ways to die in Roman times. 236 00:12:23,984 --> 00:12:28,501 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths they're funny cos they're true 237 00:12:28,506 --> 00:12:31,264 Whoo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths 238 00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:33,827 Hope next time it's not you! Hey-hee 239 00:12:34,789 --> 00:12:36,229 Next! 240 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,468 Hello, I'm Diodorus, 241 00:12:39,471 --> 00:12:41,949 erm...the Hunchback. 242 00:12:41,952 --> 00:12:44,510 You don't look much like a hunchback. 243 00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:46,151 Oh, yes - that's why I'm here. 244 00:12:46,154 --> 00:12:48,912 Ooh! Interesting. 245 00:12:48,915 --> 00:12:51,913 I'm all ears. Entertain me. 246 00:12:51,917 --> 00:12:55,914 Well, I'd been a hunchback for years, so I'd given up all hope of any cure, 247 00:12:55,918 --> 00:12:59,915 but then I met Doctor Socles, and he's a Greek medical expert 248 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,438 and he said that he could fix my crooked spine. 249 00:13:02,441 --> 00:13:05,719 Ooh! This sounds like it's going to be good. 250 00:13:05,723 --> 00:13:10,359 He told me to lie on my stomach, and hold my breath and close my eyes. 251 00:13:10,364 --> 00:13:13,682 And then he put three massive stones on my back. 252 00:13:13,686 --> 00:13:18,163 - And? - And when I opened my eyes... I was cured! 253 00:13:18,168 --> 00:13:21,006 - Oh, dear. - But unfortunately I was also dead. 254 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,647 Hooray! 255 00:13:23,651 --> 00:13:28,447 - Squished by Doctor Socles' stones. They'd crushed my spine. - Ha-ha-ha! 256 00:13:28,452 --> 00:13:34,129 That's hilarious. Ooh - have you met my flatmate, Diodorus(?) 257 00:13:34,135 --> 00:13:37,013 Flatmate, get it? Ha-ha-ha-ha. 258 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:40,374 - Oh, dear. You're through to the afterlife. - Oh, thank you. 259 00:13:40,378 --> 00:13:42,376 - Argh... Ow. - Off you pop. 260 00:13:42,378 --> 00:13:47,855 Do you know, I love my job sometimes. I do, I really do. 261 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,139 Next! 262 00:13:49,141 --> 00:13:51,419 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths 263 00:13:51,422 --> 00:13:54,822 Hope next time it's not you! Hoo-hoo 264 00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:00,904 Ow, my head. 265 00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:02,785 Do you suffer from headaches?! 266 00:14:02,787 --> 00:14:04,865 Yes, I do, and you're not helping. 267 00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:06,586 (Do you suffer from headaches?) 268 00:14:06,589 --> 00:14:08,148 That's better. Yes, yes, I do. 269 00:14:08,150 --> 00:14:12,307 - Need something fast and effective to relieve the pain? - Yes, I do. 270 00:14:12,312 --> 00:14:15,150 Then why not try the latest Saxon cure - 271 00:14:15,153 --> 00:14:17,510 Bag-o-Swallow-Chick-Stomach-Stones. 272 00:14:17,514 --> 00:14:19,074 Yes... 273 00:14:21,036 --> 00:14:24,713 It's simple. Just find a couple of swallow chicks, 274 00:14:24,717 --> 00:14:28,357 cut them open, and look for little stones in their stomach. 275 00:14:29,439 --> 00:14:32,957 Argh, this is disgusting. Now what? 276 00:14:32,961 --> 00:14:37,641 Obvious. Just sew them into a little bag, and pop it on your head. 277 00:14:38,603 --> 00:14:41,121 - Are you sure about this? - Sure, I'm sure. 278 00:14:41,124 --> 00:14:44,721 Just keep the bag on till the headache's gone. 279 00:14:44,726 --> 00:14:48,084 And no sudden movements, or the bag may fall off. 280 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,606 Vikings are coming! 281 00:14:49,608 --> 00:14:51,928 Run for your life! 282 00:14:54,530 --> 00:14:58,527 - Er, the Vikings are coming. - It'll even cure people plagued by goblins. 283 00:14:58,532 --> 00:15:00,332 Yes, but they will cure Vikings? 284 00:15:03,855 --> 00:15:05,213 No. Run away! 285 00:15:05,215 --> 00:15:07,173 Argh! Argh! 286 00:15:07,176 --> 00:15:09,214 I've still got my headache, you know. 287 00:15:09,216 --> 00:15:12,136 - Soon you won't have a head TO ache! - Argh! 288 00:15:26,144 --> 00:15:28,184 The answer is... 289 00:15:29,746 --> 00:15:32,064 ..baked dry and rubbed into a powder. 290 00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,865 And if you think THAT'S weird, Saxons also believed 291 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:38,188 having a pig on your battle helmet would bring you good luck. 292 00:15:39,150 --> 00:15:41,468 Helmets... Get your shiny helmets. 293 00:15:41,471 --> 00:15:42,709 All right, mate. 294 00:15:42,711 --> 00:15:45,109 I'd like a refund for this helmet you sold me. 295 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,591 What seems to be the problem? 296 00:15:46,593 --> 00:15:48,911 I bought it because it's got a pig on the top... 297 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,833 Well, it's a very popular choice. 298 00:15:50,835 --> 00:15:53,832 Pig is a favourite animal of our Saxon god, Frey. 299 00:15:53,836 --> 00:15:57,114 But you assured me this helmet would bring me good luck. 300 00:15:57,118 --> 00:16:00,835 - Yeah, well it does. - Yeah? Well, explain this... 301 00:16:00,839 --> 00:16:03,277 Oh. Oh, that IS nasty. 302 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,160 Tell you what, I'll get you a refund. 303 00:16:09,523 --> 00:16:11,043 Where did he go? 304 00:16:25,010 --> 00:16:27,250 HE FARTS 305 00:16:28,812 --> 00:16:32,889 The word Wednesday's named after Woden, the chief Saxon god. 306 00:16:32,893 --> 00:16:34,691 He's also the god of poets. 307 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,332 Now, here's something odd. 308 00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:39,733 He owned a horse with eight legs and wings so it flew. 309 00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:43,454 The weather forecast for tomorrow - downpours of horse poo. 310 00:16:43,458 --> 00:16:45,618 Ha-ha-ha! 311 00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:54,578 In 1520, King Henry VIII of England met Francis I of France 312 00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,661 in a celebration of peace between the two countries. 313 00:16:57,664 --> 00:16:59,704 What could possibly go wrong? 314 00:17:01,226 --> 00:17:05,463 Welcome to Horrible Histories World Wrestling! 315 00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:10,584 We are ringside at the Field of the Cloth of Gold, in 1520 AD. 316 00:17:10,590 --> 00:17:16,067 Two of the greatest Tudor monarchs go head to head, King versus King, 317 00:17:16,073 --> 00:17:17,911 in a really royal rumble. 318 00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:20,271 So let's meet the wrestlers. 319 00:17:20,274 --> 00:17:23,152 King Francis I of France, King of bling. 320 00:17:23,156 --> 00:17:26,113 He may not be big, but he's fast, and he sure is pretty. 321 00:17:26,117 --> 00:17:28,675 Pardon... Is zere going to be a fight? 322 00:17:28,676 --> 00:17:31,759 It was my understanding zat we were all 'ere to celebrate ze peace 323 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,917 between our two great nations - with ze music, art, dancing... 324 00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:37,999 And fighting! 325 00:17:38,002 --> 00:17:42,159 OK. Er, normally I have soldiers to do zat sort of thing for me... 326 00:17:42,164 --> 00:17:46,321 Well, not today. Because you're going one on one with Henry VIII, 327 00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:48,804 reigning King of England! 328 00:17:48,807 --> 00:17:52,085 He's six foot two inches, a little over 120 kilos, 329 00:17:52,089 --> 00:17:53,407 and not all of it muscle. 330 00:17:53,409 --> 00:17:55,607 Oi! I heard that. 331 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,931 And if you think Henry's stats are impressive, just check out his tent 332 00:17:58,932 --> 00:18:00,250 for the event. 333 00:18:00,252 --> 00:18:03,809 It's as big as a palace. 100 metres long, 100 metres wide. 334 00:18:03,813 --> 00:18:08,010 It's got its own chapel, 35 priests, and two fountains flowing with wine. 335 00:18:08,015 --> 00:18:12,772 I've been fighting all my life - but THIS is the big one. 336 00:18:12,777 --> 00:18:14,496 I am going to take you down. 337 00:18:14,498 --> 00:18:16,896 I am going to tear you apart. 338 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:18,498 I'm going to rip your legs off. 339 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,938 Is zis really necessary? 340 00:18:20,941 --> 00:18:23,259 Aren't we meant to be celebrating 341 00:18:23,260 --> 00:18:25,823 ze long, historic friendship between our two peoples? 342 00:18:25,824 --> 00:18:29,341 What better way to celebrate the peace than with a fight? 343 00:18:29,345 --> 00:18:32,063 Well, the tension here is almost unbearable. 344 00:18:32,066 --> 00:18:33,944 - BELL RINGS - And here we go, 345 00:18:33,945 --> 00:18:35,226 for the biggest, longest, 346 00:18:35,227 --> 00:18:38,627 most gruelling wrestling match in history! 347 00:18:39,829 --> 00:18:41,308 It's all over. 348 00:18:41,310 --> 00:18:43,228 Alors! Who's for some art, 349 00:18:43,231 --> 00:18:45,949 music and dancing? 350 00:18:45,952 --> 00:18:47,312 Best of three. 351 00:18:50,674 --> 00:18:52,113 Bon! 352 00:18:52,115 --> 00:18:56,632 It's true. Francis I beat Henry by tripping him up. Ha! 353 00:18:56,637 --> 00:18:58,555 Henry was a really bad loser. 354 00:18:58,558 --> 00:19:01,076 He always liked to get his own way, did Henry. 355 00:19:01,079 --> 00:19:04,436 So, just imagine how well it went down when the Pope told him 356 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,159 he couldn't get a divorce. 357 00:19:06,161 --> 00:19:08,119 Ooh... I'm imagining it. 358 00:19:08,122 --> 00:19:09,440 I'm imagining it. 359 00:19:09,442 --> 00:19:10,642 I'm imagining it! 360 00:19:11,603 --> 00:19:13,643 KING HENRY MUTTERS TO HIMSELF 361 00:19:16,846 --> 00:19:18,006 Er... 362 00:19:18,967 --> 00:19:20,565 Oh, yes! 363 00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:22,847 Yes, I'm still a handsome devil. 364 00:19:23,809 --> 00:19:25,447 Oh, what's this? 365 00:19:25,449 --> 00:19:28,367 Could it be that my dear wife Catherine has given birth? 366 00:19:28,371 --> 00:19:31,008 Oh, she has. Please be a boy. 367 00:19:31,011 --> 00:19:33,489 Please be a boy, please be a boy... 368 00:19:33,492 --> 00:19:37,170 Oh, no! Oh, no... 369 00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:41,252 Why has God forsaken me with only lady babies? 370 00:19:41,256 --> 00:19:44,493 No. I must have a male heir. 371 00:19:44,497 --> 00:19:47,175 A queen on the English throne would be disastrous. 372 00:19:47,179 --> 00:19:49,577 I mean, girls are too silly to rule countries. 373 00:19:49,580 --> 00:19:51,138 This is all my wife's fault. 374 00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:55,098 I'm going to divorce her. No, worse - I'm going to drop her 375 00:19:55,103 --> 00:19:58,460 from my top eight on Yebo, and THEN I'm going to divorce her. 376 00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:00,944 Yes! See how she likes that. 377 00:20:01,906 --> 00:20:04,423 There we go. Take that, you... 378 00:20:04,426 --> 00:20:08,064 Oh, no. That's put the King of France in my top eight. 379 00:20:08,068 --> 00:20:09,706 And he's an idiot. 380 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:10,828 Right. 381 00:20:10,830 --> 00:20:14,107 I'm going to have to completely rearrange my friends list now. 382 00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:16,348 Huh? Oh... 383 00:20:16,351 --> 00:20:19,191 The Pope. What does he want? 384 00:20:20,873 --> 00:20:24,151 Ah, your Holiness. Hello to you. 385 00:20:24,155 --> 00:20:25,873 I thought you were languishing 386 00:20:25,876 --> 00:20:28,994 in a rat-infested Spanish dungeon? Ha-ha-ha. 387 00:20:28,998 --> 00:20:33,038 I am. But it has excellent wi-fi coverage. 388 00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:35,678 Henry, is it true? 389 00:20:35,681 --> 00:20:39,198 You dropped the Queen from your top eight on Yebo? 390 00:20:39,202 --> 00:20:41,400 Yes, it's true. 391 00:20:41,403 --> 00:20:46,880 - She bore me the wrong kind of baby. I specifically asked for a boy. - Mmm. 392 00:20:46,886 --> 00:20:50,163 So I'd like to divorce her, if that's OK with you. 393 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:53,046 What? No! No. Absolutely not. 394 00:20:54,008 --> 00:20:59,165 Well, it's too late. I'm looking on tudorbrides.com as we speak. 395 00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:01,208 - Henry, now listen to me... - Here we go. 396 00:21:01,211 --> 00:21:02,969 Here's one. 397 00:21:02,972 --> 00:21:06,250 Anne Boleyn. "Protestant lady 398 00:21:06,254 --> 00:21:10,451 "seeks rich, ennobled husband for good times 399 00:21:10,455 --> 00:21:14,212 "and lots of male heirs. Likes beards." 400 00:21:14,217 --> 00:21:17,575 Well, I must marry her right away. 401 00:21:17,579 --> 00:21:19,017 Henry, the Catholic Church 402 00:21:19,019 --> 00:21:22,577 unremittingly refuses your request for a divorce. 403 00:21:22,581 --> 00:21:26,738 Oh, really? Well, I'm just going to set up my OWN church 404 00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:28,501 if you're going to be like that. 405 00:21:28,503 --> 00:21:33,460 You cannot set up your own church! You need scriptures, and a dogma. 406 00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:34,864 Ha-ha-ha! 407 00:21:34,866 --> 00:21:36,864 That is... 408 00:21:36,867 --> 00:21:39,305 HE YAWNS ..SO 1529. 409 00:21:39,308 --> 00:21:42,226 You can do it all online now. 410 00:21:42,230 --> 00:21:44,788 Yep. There we go. HE CHUCKLES 411 00:21:44,791 --> 00:21:47,229 Church of Henry... 412 00:21:47,232 --> 00:21:49,709 Yes, that's it. Oh, it's gone. No... 413 00:21:49,712 --> 00:21:51,910 Henry. I implore you. 414 00:21:51,913 --> 00:21:54,631 Please, think of the. .. think of the implications, 415 00:21:54,635 --> 00:21:57,113 the damage it will cause, Henry. 416 00:21:57,116 --> 00:21:59,634 Church of England? Yep, that'll do. 417 00:21:59,637 --> 00:22:00,716 HENRY CHUCKLES 418 00:22:00,718 --> 00:22:04,355 Henry, please. Listen to me. I'm the Pope! 419 00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:06,477 Henry! Henry...! 420 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,318 Sorry, your Holiness. Time to go, 421 00:22:08,321 --> 00:22:11,279 e-mail just popped in. It might be from Anne Boleyn. 422 00:22:11,282 --> 00:22:12,802 See you later. 423 00:22:15,524 --> 00:22:18,562 Oh, what does this idiot want?! 424 00:22:18,566 --> 00:22:21,563 King of France indeed. 425 00:22:21,566 --> 00:22:23,884 Oh, he's sent me a virus. 426 00:22:23,887 --> 00:22:26,527 Very clever. Well done. Yeah. 427 00:22:26,569 --> 00:22:27,849 Idiot. 428 00:22:32,411 --> 00:22:36,648 We Incas were discovered in South America in the 1500s 429 00:22:36,653 --> 00:22:38,492 by Spanish explorers, 430 00:22:38,494 --> 00:22:42,814 and it turned out they were after more than just our friendship... 431 00:22:43,776 --> 00:22:46,256 Hola. Welcome to Very Rough Guides. 432 00:22:49,339 --> 00:22:53,816 It's 1526, and I am Spanish explorer Francisco Pizarro. 433 00:22:53,821 --> 00:22:55,979 This is my right hand man, Pedro. 434 00:22:55,982 --> 00:22:59,179 - Hola. - Today's programme is all about visiting Peru. 435 00:22:59,183 --> 00:23:02,061 - And stealing all their gold. - Pedro, please. Uh? 436 00:23:02,064 --> 00:23:04,944 - Don't talk about stealing the gold, OK? - Sorry, boss. 437 00:23:05,906 --> 00:23:07,825 The journey here was very simple. 438 00:23:07,827 --> 00:23:11,544 All we had to do was sail 5,000 miles from Spain to Panama, 439 00:23:11,549 --> 00:23:14,027 travel overland through the dense jungle, 440 00:23:14,030 --> 00:23:17,267 then build a whole new boat and sail down the coast to Peru. 441 00:23:17,271 --> 00:23:19,269 It only took us two-and-a-half years! 442 00:23:19,272 --> 00:23:21,271 Easy-peasy, squeeze the lemon. 443 00:23:21,273 --> 00:23:24,510 And now we are going to meet some local Incas, see how they live 444 00:23:24,511 --> 00:23:27,595 - and find out about their magnificent culture. - And steal their gold. 445 00:23:27,596 --> 00:23:30,396 Pedro, please! Don't mention stealing the gold, OK? 446 00:23:33,718 --> 00:23:37,395 'When we met them, the local Incas couldn't have been more welcoming.' 447 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,718 - Children of the sun. - Oh, yeah! 448 00:23:39,721 --> 00:23:41,719 - Hello! - Welcome! 449 00:23:41,721 --> 00:23:43,280 'They thought we were sun gods 450 00:23:43,283 --> 00:23:45,960 'because the sun reflected off our steel armour.' 451 00:23:45,963 --> 00:23:48,082 Why not take us sun gods 452 00:23:48,085 --> 00:23:51,202 to see all your lovely gold - so we can steal it. 453 00:23:51,206 --> 00:23:54,724 Pedro, I told you not to mention the gold, OK? What is wrong with you? 454 00:23:54,728 --> 00:23:56,446 Do you want to pop in? 455 00:23:56,448 --> 00:23:58,008 Follow us. 456 00:24:03,332 --> 00:24:07,249 'The Incans have some very unusual attitudes to wealth.' 457 00:24:07,253 --> 00:24:10,570 I'm an Incan Chief. I'm very rich. 458 00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:13,452 Wonderful. How very rich, exactly? 459 00:24:13,456 --> 00:24:19,173 Very rich. I have many wives, many children, many grandchildren... 460 00:24:19,174 --> 00:24:22,338 - What about gold? - Pedro, please. - Yes, we've got lots of gold - 461 00:24:22,339 --> 00:24:25,377 but I don't see what that's got to do with being rich. 462 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:27,821 Oh, nothing at all. Don't worry about it. 463 00:24:28,782 --> 00:24:30,342 OK. No, I... 464 00:24:32,584 --> 00:24:35,381 It's brilliant. In Peru, there is so much gold 465 00:24:35,385 --> 00:24:37,224 the Incans don't really value it. 466 00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:39,425 For them, your family and followers 467 00:24:39,428 --> 00:24:40,786 are your real riches, uh? 468 00:24:40,788 --> 00:24:42,106 (No, no, don't...) 469 00:24:42,108 --> 00:24:44,906 OK. Gold is worthless. 470 00:24:44,909 --> 00:24:47,227 OK, we're going to go now. So, bye. 471 00:24:47,230 --> 00:24:49,028 - Bye-bye! - Nice to meet you. 472 00:24:49,031 --> 00:24:51,029 - Ta-ta. - OK... 473 00:24:51,032 --> 00:24:52,791 Walk, don't run. 474 00:24:52,793 --> 00:24:54,431 Well, they seem very nice. 475 00:24:54,434 --> 00:24:56,712 'I really recommend a visit to Peru. 476 00:24:56,715 --> 00:24:59,353 'My first trip has only cost me 100,000 pesos,' 477 00:24:59,356 --> 00:25:03,273 but next time, I will bring extra troops and I will make millions, uh? 478 00:25:03,278 --> 00:25:05,396 - From stealing all their gold. - Ssshhh! 479 00:25:05,399 --> 00:25:08,117 - What? Don't you push me. - Yeah, but you said... 480 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,158 What? It's OK now. Uh? 481 00:25:10,159 --> 00:25:13,241 Do you see Incans around? No. What is wrong with you all the time? 482 00:25:13,242 --> 00:25:14,482 Why do you push me... 483 00:25:17,084 --> 00:25:18,842 Pizarro grew up in Spain 484 00:25:18,844 --> 00:25:22,162 as a poor boy whose job it was to look after the pigs. 485 00:25:22,166 --> 00:25:24,723 It's said that his parents ran away and left him, 486 00:25:24,727 --> 00:25:26,486 and he was brought up by a sow. 487 00:25:26,488 --> 00:25:27,686 Imagine that! 488 00:25:27,688 --> 00:25:32,005 "Eh, Pizarro - your room looks like a pigsty. 489 00:25:32,010 --> 00:25:34,408 - "Well done, son!" - HE OINKS 490 00:25:34,411 --> 00:25:36,409 Ha-ha-ha-ha. 491 00:25:36,412 --> 00:25:38,970 But it wasn't just the Spaniards who were ruthless. 492 00:25:38,973 --> 00:25:40,891 So were some of the Incas. 493 00:25:40,894 --> 00:25:44,851 And now on Horrible Histories, a music video exclusive. 494 00:25:44,856 --> 00:25:48,974 It's the Incan Lord Pachacuti, with The Pachacuti Song. 495 00:25:48,978 --> 00:25:50,418 GROOVY MUSIC 496 00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:58,137 I'm Pachacuti, the Incan Lord 497 00:25:58,141 --> 00:26:01,099 All other tribes dread it 498 00:26:01,103 --> 00:26:04,421 My name means "He who shakes the Earth" 499 00:26:04,425 --> 00:26:06,345 Not that I'm big-headed 500 00:26:07,746 --> 00:26:10,424 When it comes to claiming nearby lands 501 00:26:10,427 --> 00:26:13,107 I was the type to risk it 502 00:26:13,549 --> 00:26:17,226 But it's how I treat dead enemies 503 00:26:17,230 --> 00:26:19,950 That really took the biscuit 504 00:26:21,352 --> 00:26:22,872 Do the Pachacuti 505 00:26:24,434 --> 00:26:26,234 Do the Pachacuti 506 00:26:27,674 --> 00:26:29,194 Do the Pachacuti 507 00:26:31,277 --> 00:26:32,595 Pachacuti! 508 00:26:32,597 --> 00:26:34,517 INSTRUMENTAL BREAK 509 00:26:38,399 --> 00:26:41,517 Once on a hillside, my troops hid 510 00:26:41,521 --> 00:26:44,159 To cause a rife old strife 511 00:26:44,162 --> 00:26:47,719 And when they jumped out it looked like 512 00:26:47,723 --> 00:26:49,761 The ground had come to life 513 00:26:49,764 --> 00:26:50,923 Boo! 514 00:26:50,925 --> 00:26:53,962 The rocks, they are my warriors 515 00:26:53,966 --> 00:26:56,286 I then used to boast 516 00:26:57,408 --> 00:26:59,926 And that little lie helped us win wars 517 00:26:59,929 --> 00:27:03,049 But violence helped the most 518 00:27:04,771 --> 00:27:06,291 Do the Pachacuti 519 00:27:07,892 --> 00:27:09,612 Do the Pachacuti 520 00:27:11,014 --> 00:27:12,614 Do the Pachacuti 521 00:27:14,535 --> 00:27:16,054 Pachacuti! 522 00:27:16,056 --> 00:27:18,693 If you were a rival chief 523 00:27:18,697 --> 00:27:21,535 We'd kill you first, and then 524 00:27:21,538 --> 00:27:25,216 We'd stuff you like a scarecrow 525 00:27:25,220 --> 00:27:27,058 But one for scaring men 526 00:27:27,059 --> 00:27:27,860 Argh! 527 00:27:27,861 --> 00:27:30,779 Then we'd rest your bony fingers on 528 00:27:30,782 --> 00:27:33,342 The stretched skin of your belly 529 00:27:34,504 --> 00:27:37,142 And in the breeze they'd tap that tum 530 00:27:37,145 --> 00:27:39,385 Like a drummer - but more smelly 531 00:27:42,063 --> 00:27:43,823 Do the Pachacuti 532 00:27:44,943 --> 00:27:46,343 Do the Pachacuti 533 00:27:48,263 --> 00:27:49,583 Do the Pachacuti 534 00:27:51,743 --> 00:27:54,063 Pachacuti! 535 00:27:57,503 --> 00:28:00,222 Want to travel through the time sewers with me? 536 00:28:00,223 --> 00:28:03,022 Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures! 537 00:28:03,023 --> 00:28:07,102 Go to the CBBC website, and click on Horrible Histories. 538 00:28:07,103 --> 00:28:09,143 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 539 00:28:09,193 --> 00:28:13,743 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0